i don't need this.

I am 22 years old, just 5 months shy of turning 23. I do believe I am an adult who is perfectly capable of prioritizing what little things I can do with my time. I do not believe in going out on weekdays to far-off places which would tire me out such that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate in school, especially not to places where I know my friends would probably be eating things that I do not eat. And I believe it is even more so important now that my doctor has specifically advised me to rest when I am tired.

I do not believe in going for outings just for the sake of making up the numbers. If there’s a celebration, anything special, I would make the extra effort. But if it’s an outing and no one will be worse just because I am too tired to go, I don’t see why I can’t say no. I believe the purpose in going for outings is just so that one can catch up with friends and laugh and generally be happy. I don’t see that happening if I am too tired to even make small talk.

My goals in life now are very simple.

I am aiming towards a lower dosage and less side effects, which translates to doing exactly what the doctor ordered. If I am tired, fine I sleep even if I can’t finish studying for my test next day. Nothing to me is more important to me than my health. And this also means taking responsibility for my own well-being and knowing when to reject outings and when to stay at home and rest even of it’s the only weekend available to play. These are the sacrifices I am making, for myself, so I have no idea why other people can find fault with it.

I also want to be able to keep up with my schoolwork. I have seldom gone out on a weekday because the “good student” gene in me wants to be fresh for lessons tomorrow. More so now that I know there may be days when I am too tired to study, and now that I realized life is too short to study half-heartedly and be a so-so doctor.

I want to spend enough time with my family, since my sister is home for maybe 6 hrs a day (which she spent sleeping anyway). I think depression is what would be the end-result of not having both your grown-up kids around.

I want people around me to understand, especially those whom I am close to, that what kind of person I am has always been just so. When I say that I don’t wish to go out to certain places because I do not know the way, this is exactly what I mean. I am not using it as an excuse not to go for outings, but of course others are entitled to think as they please. I have always been like that, this is a trait of mine that is going to be with me as long as I breathe. I can’t prevent others from scoffing at me or rolling their eyes and thinking this is such a lame excuse. Think what you want. This is something I have said to every single person, I can swear on my conscience. If it niggles at you so much, find another friend who is road-smart and don’t mind getting lost. Sure, I can take the MRT, as someone said, like I used to. Not when it’s a weekday, when I am tired, when I am going somewhere which I don’t eat the majority of the food, and when truthfully saying I don’t feel half as close to more than half the guys anymore. I have been going for outings, just not every single one. I believe that’s acceptable, even among best friends.

I know that some people have different personalities and priorities from me. I just ask of them not to foist their own thinking and beliefs onto me. I believe I know what is best for myself, having been making decisions for myself since I was young. I believe I accord the same kind of respect to my friends when they tell me why they can’t go for outings, and never have I given them an ultimatum where by either they go, or I won’t even bother informing them again. I think these friends should think about once-upon-a-time when they make the same excuses not to go for numerous outings, and I have never once given them grief over it. Just because you are dying to meet the rest, does not mean that this applies to me. In fact, the only reason that I even turn up for some outings may be you, don’t give me reason not to go anymore.

Truth be told, I have enough on my mind trying to juggle everything life has dealt me without having to shed tears for little silly things like that. I am quite quite tired and I think I have about enough lately. If people cannot see things from my point of view, maybe I should just shrug it off next time instead of taking it to heart. But taking it to heart means I care. So maybe everyone should think twice about making remarks to their close friends without knowing the cold hard facts. And I think it’s the normal response for friends to reject going out with a couple because they wouldn’t want to feel like they are a sore thumb, and because they are not sure if the couple was just being polite.