i seem to b having a quarter life crisis. surely there must b more to life than... this. gg to sch, attending lectures, gg for tutorials, then coming home, n then repeatin evrythg again n again n again. life seems to b in a rut. have been drifting apart from ppl who mean so much to me, but yet i am hardly making effort to reali keep in touch. smtimes i wonder wat i am doing leh. as in, wat do i see as impt? good grades? definitely not. as in i will want to pass n to b able to say i have done my best, but getting gd grades juz seem like such a childish pride kinda thg. i've outgrown tt. being with my gd frens? mebbe, but evryone juz seem so busy n anyway when i am in sch i usually juz hang out wif my clique, seems weird to keep flitting here n there. nut social butterfly wat. but i realise i miss hanging out with ah qing they all too. like today in her car, juz gossiping n u noe, juz njoying their company n stuff, realised its been ages since i've reali done smthg fun 2gether with them. didnt manage to go for xmas party cos of gastric flu, haiyah. n seriously, it's v touching to realise ppl still remember to call u along for stuff like tt. but its juz me lah, i will tink of my frens but i am the keep-them-in-my-thots-but-wont bother-to-ask-them-out kind of person. eh dunno y tho. juz quite reclusive in my own way i guess. not tt i want to, seriously, but i oso cant explain my weird behaviour. i will remember to msg them on bdaes n stuff, but on wkends i either njoy stewing at hm or will simply go out wif the same old ppl leh. smtimes mebbe cos u noe, u juz get scared tt mtgin up wif old frens mean alot of awkward silences tt u will force u to rack ur brains n painfully force out sm reali banal matters to tok abt, which i dont like lah. i realise i am only chatty when i am wif my oldie frens whom i am perfectly comfy with, else i'd juz clam up like a shell n haf a painfully polite smile on my face. aiyah i am juz bad at makin small talk. so its either i am reali close to u or we can only remain as acquaintances, cos i dont like n i cant "put up a show" like i noe many ppl r adept in, u noe like pretending to b on reali gd terms when they actuali r hi-bye frens. there r always a few special ppl who make me feel at ease wif them rite from the start. usually i will start out feelin weird lah, them will always tok abt boring stuff abt sch etc etc. haha sure conversation killer! but cant help it. u ask me to tok abt clothes, i noe nuts, i juz wear wat i like. u ask me abt gossip, usually i am the last to noe, for sm reason. tink my antenna is faulty. u ask me abt sports, hoho even worse. cos my idea of exercise is like once a blue moon jog n my idea of excietment is rollerblading. heh which i have tried for exactly once. n yes haf refused to go wif ppl i am unfamiliar wif. cos i dont relish in the idea of fallin flat on my face in front of a whole crowd of strangers. i shall juz wait for lihui to go rollerblading with me again, i feel perfectly at home falling all over the place in front of her. n greggie has been inviting me to go floorballing, which reali sound interestin ahah but i am such a recluse i dont feel like making a fool of myself in front of ppl i dunno. yeah very boring hor? i am just such a "safe" person. i have my own comfort zone, n i dont reali like to venture far from it. smtimes i feel like i am gg thru the motions in life n not reali tinking abt wat i reali reali reali want. i noe my long term goal will b to graduate n finally do my job with compassion n optimism, but meanwhile wat is there to do beside juz muggin? i suddenly feel like gg for a loooooooooooooooooooong holiday. smwhere peaceful. haha preferably a temperate country with a big big farm n cute little animals to play with. oh yes n interestin thgs to do like er i dunno do ppl still churn butter nowadays? n gg for picnics n camping trips with wonderful waterfalls. oh n to build a snowman. haha. my childhood dream. another ques on my mind, i wonder y i am so diff fr my sis. shes chirpy, n greet ppl with a spontaneity tt ppl in this modern society usually refrain from. like shes the kind who will say hello! to the counter cashier aunty in ntuc. while i will juz mumble thankew n walk off. n i flare up more easily too when i feel i've been wronged or smthg like tt, n i'm horrendously stubborn when i noe i am right n the other party's at fault. i wont apologise one. but my sis will try to give way if the other party is too egoistic to say sorry. aiyah, i haf so many flaws i dunno where to begin to change leh. tried sayin sorry to smone who's clearly at fault today! n feel quite out-of-sorts. yucks. as if i have compromised on my principles. urgh. not tt i regret doin it lah, cos i feel i've grown up liao cannot b so stubborn but i feel super indignant tt the other party didnt acknowledge my apology! *grouch* i tink i am not kuan rong da liang enuff. bah. muz learn from my sis. aiyah. actuali i am juz grouchy cos of tt recipient of my apology lah. cos i feel i am willing to say sorry to a person whom i feel strongly is the one at fault mah, then u shld b gracious enuff to accept it rite!?!? i mean, the nerve of u!! fwah. xiang dao jiu qi. ok i feel better. *deep breath* must reali learn to control my volcanic temper n mule-headedness better now tt i am OLD. okokokok mebbe shld take up taichi or chinese calligraphy, supposedly can train patience n give u an inner peace rite? yepz. blogging's great for unwinding. hehe. yay i feel much better now. =)