weather forecast: downcast.

feeling in the dumps currently. dont ask me y, i am not sure myself. guess theres alot of little little niggling thoughts on my mind, sm tt i thought i have cm to terms with but mebbe i am just not as mentally strong-willed as i tink i am. ever get the feelin fate is laughing down at you from far far above? peeping thru the clouds, tinking how foolish mortals can be. haha. oh well.

i miss my jie. doesnt seem like i have a jie anymore, shes still so busy with her life i seldom get to see her for more than an hr per day. possibly the only time i get to see her properly will be when i wake up each day to go to sch and shes fast aslp in bed cuddling her bolster/pighead cushion smwhere in dreamland bah. this is the 1st time in my life since long long ago that i feel as if theres a widening chasm btw the two of us (since we grew out of the ah lianish u-tear-my-stickers-i-attack-u-with-my-comb stage), and theres just nothg i can do abt it! its been likedat when i got bac in june, and days turn to weeks and now months. smtimes i will want to run to her to tell her wat happened today, like i used to jabber away with her, but there seem to be none of tt in recent mths. only late nite smses askin her when she will be bac and alot of time alone in the study rm. feel like i have lost a big part of my emotional support.

smtimes feel v alone in the world leh. ever get tt feeling? like u r surrounded by ppl but yet no one whos free enough to give u a listenin ear without u cramping their style. not tt they r not willing but just dont wanta trouble them bah. funny i was fine this whole wk until this afternoon, just felt like my world was in a big big mess and i didnt want to face all these nitty gritty tt i have no control over. not pms leh, but felt as if my tear ducts were working overtime. gah. hate this feeling.

was listening to jielun's new album this whole wk. (hey thx xtine! u r a gem, have i ever told u tt? jus feel guilty tt u spent $$ tho. *big squishy hug* was an unexpected surprise for me! =)) mebbe cos his songs r always so soul-stirring, the lyrics so heart-breakingly sweet, just make u even sadder bah. i get v easily affected by the songs i listen to.

smtimes i am... scornful of myself. always pride myself to have the strength of mind to make a decision and stick to it, yet 5 min of indulgence is all it takes to sway my rock-solid determination. so confusing. and y does this scenario seems so familiar? its the story of my life. smtimes i wonder y i have so much determination in other aspects yet behaves like a scaredy-cattish gigantic worry-wart who tinks too much analyse too much and gets influenced too much by the feelings i pick up from others tt i choose to run away. rather than be brave n do wat i really want to do, i will back away. never fails to happen. i am kind of stupid this way, my sis tells me so, my close frens tell me so.

i miss my frens. dont ever see lihui meiling n zhengyi these days anymore. nor do i get to chitchat with yiqing anymore. dont see huiying too. and have either no time to write to my frens who r overseas or am too tired. and mugging gang too. mebbe cos we used to see each other for like 18 hrs evryday haha, now its more like after sch evryone got their own agenda and we just go our separate ways home/give tuition/pak-toh heh. life feels quite empty actually. i have no tuition to give, means no $$ also haha. miss the days when we smuggle mountains of food into the library and munch our way thru chicken in a biscuit, pepperidge farm, m&ms, galbo, blah. and start throwing paper aeroplanes (can see the horrified expressions of the other muggers as the aeroplane happily zoom past them ahah) or doodle on notes/hands/legs/everywhere. haha.

today greggie treated us to coffee bean. me, xtine, cristelle, sherm, wes, darryl went to holland v and had yummy drinks and cakes all paid for! yay. hha. thankew so much curly wurly burly daddie greggie weggie hope tt didnt burn a hole in ur pocket. =P i felt like a schizophrenic when i was there. cos was feeling so down yet they r making me laugh. how to say? feel both v happy and v sad at the same time

took 75 fr holland v. then got off to change bus. bus nv come. got tired of waiting so simply hopped onto the next bus. sat in the bus, aircon blowing cool air, staring at the scenery, listening to jielun's yuan you hui. felt v detached from the world, and sort of carefree. was in my own little bubble, hearing but not listening, looking but not seeing. realised trees can be so pretty. those old willowy ones. kinda rustic charm abt them. saw a couple walking two doggies, one big n one tiny. didnt noe sitting on a bus can be so therapeutic. got home after a total of 3 buses and 1 mrt ride. ahha. needed the time alone, still feeling antisocial now. nv speak to anyone on icq. heh.

sm thgs r better left unsaid rite?



my current fav song below. wanted to translate it into english but feel tt the feeling would be lost.

Yuan You Hui ~ Zhou Jie Lun*

hu bao se huang hun xiang tang zai hen mei de yuan fang

ni de lian mei you hua zhuang wo que feng kuang ai shang

si nian gen ying zi zai pang wan yi qi la chang

wo shou zhong na zhang ru chang quan pei wo shu yang

po he se cao di fen fang xiang feng mei you xing zhuang

wo que neng gou lao ji ni de qi zhi geng lian pang

leng kong qi gen bo li zai qing cheng hen you tou ming gan

xiang wo de xi huan bei ni kan chuan

tan wei shang yi duo yan yang

wo qiao qiao chu xian ni shen pang

ni huang luan de mo yang

wo wei xiao an jing xin shang

wo ding zhe da tai yang

zi xiang wei ni cheng san

ni kao zai wo jian bang

sheng hu xi pa yi wang

yin wei lao yu de chun you xi wo men kai shi jiao tan

duo xi wang hua ti bu duan yuan you hui yong bu da yang

qi qiu zai wo shou shang

wo qian zhe ni xia huang

you hua xiang dui ni jiang

ni yan jing que zhuang mang

ji dan gao gen ni zui jiao guo jiang wo dou xiang yao chang

yuan you hui ying bian zai bo fang

zhe shi jie yue hao yi qi guang

*bittersweet*