crummy day
It’s funny how things can change from second to second. I am frustrated with myself, angry even at how bad I am handling things. Maybe this is just not a good day but I think I should stop kidding myself. There haven’t been any good days for a long long while.
My mood is an emotional roller-coaster and I mean it literally. Blame it on the disease, blame it on the drugs. Whatever. Every single little harmless thing can become lost in transmission in my brain and be interpreted the wrong way totally. I am just an ultra sensitive machine now ever ready to pick up any slight directed at me.
Mind’s in a swirl.
How can I deal with everything? Sometimes I can, and I feel real good about it. I feel super-womanish. And some days I just wish I can chuck my meds into the bin and shout some really nasty expletives at them. And some days I just feel so sorry for myself and I really really wish to talk to someone only to find my mind in a blank.
Not that I don’t have friends who are willing to listen. But perhaps the innate “don’t hurt thy friend” mechanism always kick in, such that when I wish to share the horrible side effects I am experiencing with you, you can only offer a hurried no lah where got don’t worry!
You just shut a door in my face. With a resounding slam.
And you as good as say it to my face that I am paranoid.
Which makes me feel really really pissed off and just don’t wish to unburden myself to you anymore.
So far only one brave honest soul has told me I got acne. Thanks pal. It feels comforting that someone acknowledges the truth.
And my whole outlook of life has changed.
I can feel the mean streak surfacing ever so often, as I scorn at the weird things people do.
For example. If you have a known problem of runny nose in the morning why is it that for years you never did bother to carry a single piece of tissue with you? Mind you, I don’t mind providing the occasional tissue when you run out of yours, but I don’t see why the heck people just don’t bother and they expect other people to provide them with years-long supply of tissues. The tissues in my bag are always mysteriously whittled away when I hardly get the flu these days. And most annoyingly their need for tissues occur at the most inconvenient times when you are hurriedly scribbling notes and your bag is FAR away and they think nothing of asking you for tissues everyday.
I know I am petty. Bear with me. I need to be catty today. It’s rather therapeutic.
I feel like I am losing control over my mood. One minute happy as a lark, the next feeling all teary for weird weird reasons. The worst thing is nobody really understands why you are feeling this way, and it’s not like they are going to give you much leeway and conclude its all part of the side-effects or whatever. But you know what? I can’t be bothered at this point in time. Let them think what they want. I don’t have to be smiling all the time. I am not a mask. If my sudden subdued behaviour at social gatherings discomfort people, hey just don’t invite me next time.
Its so confusing. Wanting people to understand, but not wanting to explain. Wanting comfort from them, but fear that you get pity instead. Wanting them to tell you that yes you are not imagining the side effects, yet wanting them to hide the truth from you.
And I wonder if my brain is undergoing atrophy too. I can’t seem to retain info as well as before. Or perhaps it’s the power of suggestion.
Popping 7 pills a day is making me gag.
I can’t eat dirty food or food that isn’t well-cooked anymore. Diarrhea will find me.
I can’t go out in the sun.
I can’t run.
I can’t dye my hair.
I can’t help feeling hungry all the time.
I can’t help feeling too exhausted to do anything at times.
I can’t help not going out with my friends sometimes, I am ordered to rest when I am tired. Or risk a flare.
I can’t help blowing my fuse at times, it seems to be getting worse.
I wish I understand how to achieve the “don’t give yourself any stress” part which the doctor has ordered. Drop out of school maybe?
I wonder if I can survive the final MBBS without having a severe disease flare brought on by stress.
5 Comments:
I am about to leave a comment so typically me that you should know who its from without even reading the signature at the end.
by the second time i met up with u since i came back, i could sorta tell something was wrong. And i was not about to pretend it was all okay and feel all sympathetic for u. I know you are stronger than that.
I have no idea what this illness is about. It sounds bad. And thats only cos if it was me, i'll rather be WITHOUT the acne and leg scars. I have no idea what other repercussions might occur to ur biological health. But the cosmetic effects seem to be traumatic enough. And i would be worrying bout the hereditary problem, does it pass on to your kids? Cos u're on the list of my PMPs (possible maternal providers) if u remember. So yea, it sounds bad.
I'm sure you've been through it one too many times already. Lying on your bed , letting ur mind run wild and seeing yourself bald, fat, scarred all over and fallen. We allow that. I always encourage wallowing. Its the only way to pick urself up. Fall so hard u have no where else to go but up. I don't know if i'm too harsh but i'm me and u know that. I wallow alot. U've been there during my darkest days.
but whats up with all these negativity lili. Writing a list of what u cant do. Its all scaring me. This f***ing disease can ruin you anywhere and everywhere but not your heart. (i don't mean the organ) Don't let it beat u. Thats why i was warning u very solemnly. I am really afraid u turn into someone bitter, pessimistic and suspicious.
We know its tough. We'll never know how tough it is. But we know its tough. We know u're no superwoman. We know u're gg to be really cranky and really nagging at times. But we're still around.
But if you choose to shut the door on us then we're out. Its that simple. U know the problem with these sky-falling apocalyptic trials : Noone REALLY understands. When i had mine, i could only ask for comfort and sympathy but never empathy and a solution from u guys. So its the same now. We have to respect that incapability.
Of course u're entitled to a few catty blogs monthly, a license to flare up and be uninteractive during social events. But on one condition ( I SAY SO ) : That u're happy doing it. We'll let u do whatever u want if u're happy doing it. But i know u lili, u have always been an understanding person, and if making things difficult for everyone and most importantly urself makes u happy, then u're not the lili i know. So u can take this walk alone, u could, if it makes it easier for u, we'll mind our own business and watch u from afar. but if it gets tough and u're just doing it cos u THINK everyone has abandoned u or u get NO comfort whatsoever from us, den i can only say, u've lost. to this foul disease n urself.
This is reality. We get shit. All the time. Life's not a bed of roses. We've heard it a billion of times. Some have it tougher. But we all pull through in the end. So fight everything with a smile and put more faith in urself and us. Screw this whateverucallitsickness.
u-knw-who
Hmm... How do i begin this?
*ahem*
For starters, i wish i'd read this before sitting beside you during lectures today. No not cos i'd have avoided you. Cos a hug is really not so hard to give. =)
There's nothing much i can say that hasn't already been said in the previous comment, left by a very wise person.
To be honest, i don't place too much regard in my friends. I think this stems from a secret fear that they wouldn't really like the real me, and suffice to say that this fear isn't totally unfounded. But we're not talking about me here. We're talking about you. You who should never have a blog entitled "A Walk Alone".
Because you are the epitome of friendship. I know of no one else who is able to keep track of endless birthdays. I know of no one else who can smilingly give away all her precious Fran sticks and have only one fore herself. I certainly would have done no such thing.
Sometimes friends become a little blind. Especially in our little world at the bototm of the well, where everyone is doing just fine and dandy, we forget to look out for each other, assuming everything is just a'ok. But i think it's time for you to ask for a few Fran sticks back. Never be afraid to ask. Because you are Huili the Queen of Friendship.
Sure, as your friend said, respect our incapability to truly help. But that doesn't mean we're completely useless. Just reach out and you'll be surprised.
I've walked alone before, and it's not a nice place to be. Don't go there. You have no reason to.
If you need me, you know where to find me. =)
dearest huili...i didn't know u were suffering so much...sigh. *hugs* u look so happy in school. not like i see u v often..only maybe once a week during patho lectures... LI LI!!! im so sad to read this post. li li try to look on the brighter side of things!!!! at least u don have cancer or something worse!!! cheeer up li li!! come to me for a free hug next thursday!! HAHAHA.
-Qi
amen to that... I was struggling with that too. Thanks for writing this and letting me know that I am not alone. You know what I do like your company but, if you do not want to go for any outing that I organise.. I understand=P
Take care sis!
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